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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Senate Decides We really don't need ethics office. We can police our own thiefs.

A Senate committee yesterday rejected a bipartisan proposal to establish an independent office to oversee the enforcement of congressional ethics and lobbying laws, signaling a reluctance in Congress to beef up the enforcement of its rules on lobbying.

So much for all the tuff talk on ethics being of high importance. Every one of these losers that voted against this should be held accountable and kicked out of office.

Bitch Slap to the dissenters: You better wake up. Man, we just can't believe how out of touch these idiots are.

Tiger Woods is Pissed: Russian Cosmonaut to drive golf ball further

A publicity stunt in which a golf ball will be whacked into orbit from the International Space Station (ISS) has met a chilly reception from scientists, who say the scheme is risky and adds to the growing problem of space junk.
Russian cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov is to take on the role of a celestial Tiger Woods under a deal between a Canadian golf club manufacturer and the cash-strapped Russian Space Agency (RSA).
In one of three space walks planned from the ISS over the next six months, Vinogradov will climb aboard a special platform and swing a special gold-plated six iron and seek to enter the record books for the longest-ever golf drive.

Tiger Woods is rumored to be working on development of a golf ball that is filled with helium so that it will go "much further than the one that the russian space pussy will hit".

Bitch Slap to the Russians. : space trash for cash and PR. Whats next? a Lexus in space?

Monday, February 20, 2006

Britney Spears Husband Federline Says He is Ready for Backlash. Good. Here is your first Bitch Slap!

Kevin Federline says that he is ready for a backlash over his brand-new role as white-boy rapper.

But it already can't get worse, the dancer and husband of pop star Britney Spears told Newsweek for its issue on newsstand today. He has released his single "PopoZao" on his Web site. It got 2 million hits in eight days, he said, which proves there's interest.

We were thinking... Doesn't he know than the mere mention of anything Britney will get 2 million hits on the internet? Apparently he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. It is also rumored that he is working on a project with Yoko Ono to prove that spouses of famous artists can also make good music.

"Britney and me have collaborated," he said. "But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, 'Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife." Hmmm. Sorry, we don't seee the respect train coming anytime soon.

He should just stick with his current role of no talent, money burning, slacker doofus. He receives rave reviews in this capacity.

Bitch Slap to Kevin for thinking people will ever take his music as a rapper seriously.

Full article at the Washington Post

McDonalds Responds to Lawsuit From Vegan. Considering Offering Tree Bark Chips Instead of French Fries

McDonald's Corp. is facing at least three lawsuits related to its disclosure last week that its french fries contain wheat and dairy products.

Debra Moffatt of Lombard, Ill., seeks unspecified damages in a suit filed Friday in Cook County Circuit Court that accuses the company of misleading the public. Her attorney, Thomas Pakenas, said his client has celiac disease that causes gastrointestinal symptoms when set off by eating gluten, a protein found in wheat.

We were thinking... "If people can't deal with any wheat product then they need to get out of the gene pool and not reproduce. Didn't man evolve and eat noting but meat and grains for thousands of years? "

In another lawsuit, Nadia Sugich of Los Angeles a self-confessed vegan says that she "would have never purchased or consumed the French fries if she had known they contain dairy and were not vegan." McDonald's acknowledged on Monday that its French fries use milk and wheat for flavor. Before that it had also added "Contains wheat and milk ingredients" on its website.

What we really want to know is... What is some health food vegan tree hugging nut-job is doing eating at McDonalds in the first place? Did she think the food was healthy? McDonalds is rumored to be adding a new Tree Bark Chip to it's menu to satisfy the Vegan Community.

Bitch Slap these lawsuit happy idiots that sue McDonald's for the food not being healthy.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Scientist Says Retirement Age Should Be 85. Seniors are overjoyed to learn that they get to go back to work.

Retirement Age should Be 85. The age of retirement should be raised to 85 by 2050 because of trends in life expectancy, a US biologist has said. That will put a strain on economies around the world if current retirement ages are maintained, he warned.

Shripad Tuljapurkar of Stanford University says anti-ageing advances could raise life expectancy by a year each year over the next two decades. He also told a science meeting in St Louis that 50-year or 75-year mortgages may not be unusual in the future.

Some Seniors at the the Pine Village Retirement community were waving their walkers over their heads in joy that they get to go back to work. 86 year old Ira Weisenkoff was visibly disturbed to learn he was too old to return to work. "I can't belive I have to sit here and make shitty crafts all day, I was hoping I could go back to my old factory job at the mills"

Bitch Slap this Scientist with a cane for even saying such a stupid thing.

Here is the real story in the BBC.

Ethics Laws are First Priority... Well...more like 31st Priority

The initial "rush to revise ethics laws" in the wake of the Jack Abramoff political corruption scandal has turned into more of a pure stall.

A month ago, Republican leaders in Congress called legislation on the topic their first priority, and promised quick action that would alter the rules governing the interaction between lawmakers and lobbyists. But now they do not anticipate final approval until late March at the earliest.

Lawmakers are really thinking... "We really think that the public does not want reform regarding politics and lobbyists. Most Americans just want the corrupt system to continue. So now our first priority is how to disctract people from this issue. We are hoping for a good sex scandal any day now. That should allow us to not talk about reform for a good 18 months".

"We sure miss Bill Clinton. A good sex scandal just distracts people very effectively."

Big Bitch Slap to the Members of Congress for thinking Amercans don't want this issue addressed Now!

Kid Finds Lost Camera But Won't Return It. And his parents happily support this decision

Bad Samaritan family won't return found expensive camera
A woman lost her camera on holidays; the family who found it decided not to return it because their child liked it so much. Now, that's parenting.

Hey you little crook. You think you have bad luck because of your diabetes and that gives you the right to keep the camera? The really unlucky thing in this story is that this kid has stupid ass parents that have flawed logic and no moral compass.

See the full story here. You won't believe the parents comments.

Bitch Slap these parents into next week.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Halle Barry Wins Award Despite Sagging Breasts. She is hoping for a Plastic Surgeon to Donate Services

Halle Berry stunned the normally Breast Conservative Harvard University audience while winning the Hasting Pudding Woman of the Year Award. The Oscar award winning actress was nearly in tears while holding her brests.

She was thinking that her "breasts have sagged so much lately that I need to hold them up to get the attention of men" (that can't stand to listen to her mindless chattering)

She was thinking of asking if there was a surgeon in the audience that would like to donate their services and make her a DDD cup so that her hands would be free from holding her sagging breasts all day long. She did not want to tell everyone that her auto accident that happened a few years back was because she was "too busy holding my breasts to hold that stupid steering wheel".

You come a long way baby. Bitch Slap to all of feminist that says boobs don't matter.

Michelle Kwan Quits the Olympics and Gets a Sponsorship Deal: The Lesson Here is Quitting Pays!

Days after Quitting the Winter Games, ending her half assed quest for Olympic gold, figure skating champion Michelle Kwan accepted a new job on Thursday as celebrity representative for the Walt Disney Co. Kaaaachiiiiiing!

Kwan will take part in promotions, advertising and public service messages involving all of Disney'’s businesses, the company said. Michelle was ecstatic. She was thinking " I Quit the games because I knew I would look like shit when I repeatedly fell on my ass. So rather than spoil that perfect image that I have crafted; I quit and signed a big buck deal. The lesson for all the young Disney viewers is to quit while you are ahead and run like hell to the bank".

It is rumored that she is in discussion with Disney on a movie deal with the Nutty Professor "where we make my ass really big and when I fall on it I just bounce right back up and land a triple axel."

Bitch Slap to all of the coaches that told you quitting never pays!
And another Big Time Bitch Slap to all the journalists and reporters who keep saying she "withdrew". Get real..... She QUIT.

Yale Students Use Porn To Raise More Than Their GPA

Yale, one of the oldest institutions in the US has embraced the oldest professions in the world. Students cheered with excitement as they were treated to sex toy demonstrations, meetings with porn stars and the mentally challenging subject of how to make your partner happy in bed...

"Had I known that they were going to have porn stars teaching at school I never would have dropped out" say New Haven Grease Monkey mechanic Troy Bevers. "I just wish I could have made it for 1 more semester, I could have done so much more with my life".

Most students embraced porn as a learning tool quickly. "Sex Week is the best part of college, I am going to all the classes this week" said hungover student Blaine Withers"

Can someone please Bitch Slap the Yale School Administrators.

Criminals Are Uglier Than Most Americans. Plastic surgery is the answer to reducing crime.

Some brilliant researcher came up with this "news" that criminals are uglier than averge americans in the looks department. DUUUUH. So we figured the best crime prevention plan possible was to have plastic surgery for all the ugly criminals.

Their self esteem will skyrocket and crime rates will plummet. George Bush is considering setting up a plastic surgery task force summit to make the uglier less ugly. The summit will convene in the spring in Beverly Hills.

The researcher has no explanation as to why Scott Peterson committed a crime. The researcher is worried his study will be deemed not reliable due to Scott killing his wife."Why did he have to do it, he's not ugly. Only ugly people commit crimes." The rule of thumb is if someone is ugly they might be a criminal so make sure that you either shun them or run the other way.

Bitch Slap the researcher that took the time to research this. I guess some people have no life!

The real story in the washington post

Scientist predict that Arizona will become the new west coast. All due to the glory of global warming!

Apparently some glaciers are melting and this is really big news. While this creates concern, fear and panic with many people around the world; Arizona residents couldn't be happier.

"The water table will rise by 20 feet and we will all have ocean front property in Arizona soon." Arizona residents were overjoyed at the news. They were very excited that they would no longer have to drive 6 hours to be at the ocean. They were hoping the glaciers would melt sooner and were thinking of sending a team of Bikers/Welders with blow torches to the glacier to help speed up the melting process.

Would someone please Bitch Slap these Raving "Scientists". I am going to Arizona and buy a trailer up on a hill so I will have million dollar ocean views in a few years..

The fake real story can be seen here.

Friday, February 17, 2006

I Guess the Japanese Aren't So Smart After All

Contrary to popular belief...the Japenese are not as smart as we think they are. Here is all the proof you need.... Apparently some Japanese businessmen were duped into coughing up some major buckeroos for some not so real currency.

Bad news for these Japanese investors. There's no such thing as a $1 million greenback. According to a Japanese newspaper, eight people are out more than $1.25 million. They were duped into buying supposedly rare U.S. million-dollar bills from the 1920's. But the mil notes are fakes.

The japanese investors are now really upset since they will now have to eat only dirt since they no longer have cash to buy raw fish and rice.

The largest denomination bill ever produced by the U-S treasury was a 100-thousand-dollar note in the mid 1930's. So now when people tell you that the Japenese are really smart, all you have to do to correct this incorrect perception is to cite this story.

Million Dollar Bitch Slap to the forehead!

Who Gets the Bitch Slap? Dick Cheney or the Guy He Shot?

Ok who gets the bitch slap for this cluster F@#$. ?? I vote for the Dude Dick Cheney shot... Whittington....Why??

Because anytime you go hunting and walk up into your partners line of fire and don't announce yourself LOUDLY guess what happens? You get a facefull of buckshot. He was lucky is was not heavy buckshot .. Otherwise the secret service could have just dug a hole right there and buried his dead ass on the spot and no one would ever have known...

"Hey whatever happened to old what's his name? You know Harry Whittington? "

"I dunno, he just disappeared one day."

p.s. age, booze, campaign contributions or a heart condition may have also factored into the stupidity here. The jury is still out. Full details here

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Political and Celebrity Bitch Slap Blog is Live!

Hi everyone. I have been a prolific blogger for several years and shall remain anonomous for a while. I am writing this blog for pure entertainment value and a humorous take on the latest news headlines of Politicians, Celebrity's and Businesses that deserve a good Bitch Slap!

The world is full of people that are too confined by political correctness about stupid behaviour that no one ever get's called out on. This messed up culture that we live in needs to be challenged and we need to take celebrities and politicians and give them a dose of what the average american thinks about them. We should all have a good laugh at their expense as well.

This blog also adds ficticious quotes to ensure a humorous take on the topics

This will serve as a source of good humor for all of you readers. This really going to be fun. So spead the word and all of you bloggers feel free to comment and link back to help raise the awareness.

This is a spoof Blog. Quotes are made up and are not actually said by the person referenced.

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